Virtual Accomplishments

Welcome to the wonderful world of Virtual Accomplishment. This is the section of the Journal where our excess ideas are printed and archived -- but the phenomenon is even bigger than that. In addition to making these ideas available to everyone to use, cannibalize, or gain inspiration from, we are giving them, in a sense, Reality. Just as in a novel a political faction or a new piece of machinery need only be described to have a "virtual" existence, so, too, here our ideas need only be described in detail, and they will "virtually" exist. In this recurrent feature of the Autodidact's Journal, all our musings are true. -- TP

Well, it looks like I got suckered into doing yet more work. I must admit, however, that of all the things I could be working on, this one suits me the best. Virtually accomplishing things is a subject I can grasp fully, and even possibly revel in.

Some of you might be like Tom: always ready and willing to go whole hog on a really exciting project. I trust that you won't find this section of the Journal to be an embodiment of laziness or ineptitude, rather an indication of just how clever we are: we can come up with so many things to do that there isn't enough time or energy to get them all done.

Others reading this might be more like myself: Always hearing of interesting ideas, always making lists of what we'd like to do, always wondering when we could do any of them. Here's your chance to at least show others that while you might not be visibly overly productive, your mind is still an ideas machine.

Let me take this opportunity to beg for contributions. We can't exist without your input! This first issue might seem a little in-bred when you look at the name(s?) of those who have contributed. We want very much to expand and to have our thoughts be drowned out by yours as you begin to let us know what your imagination has spit out recently. So get writing. (You know who you are!)

I'd also like to take the time to thank those who have contributed for making the effort to share with us all those projects they've had floating around in their heads. Without their input, this section of the Journal would have remained blank -- perhaps appropriate considering the title, but boring none the less.

Also, the (quick and dirty) titles are all my fault. If you would like a specific title, please feel free to mention what it should be. I am going to try and keep an index of articles by title, author and issue, so if your title isn't enough to give the reader a quick idea of your item, or if it clashes with another, I might expand or alter it. So there. --Jon Slenk


  1. Enhancing Rock Videos. It seems to me that rock videos should be the culmination of theatre and multi-media impressiveness; kind of like Wagner with amplifiers and big cinema screens. Alas, this ain't happening. What is necessary, I think, is for video techniques to enhance the idea of live performance, rather than devaluing it. To that end: imagine a concert film without tricks or dissolves or anything distracting, but footage of the band from various angles, so that you can watch them play very clearly. A close-up on the guitar neck, a closeup of the bass drum, a shot of the drummer and kit, etc. Back and forth, neatly & rhythmically edited, so that it is as if the viewer is alone in a studio with the band and wandering around among them as they play. That's it. Clean, powerful, and enhancing.

    Imagine a concert, as above, held in a movie theatre without seats? I'd like to see Led Zeppelin II just like that, for instance. The guys in a room, on a large screen above a dance floor. Simple, straightforward, awesome in effect. Just the songs.

  2. High Energy Drinking. Hoping to capitalize on the "Sports Bar" phenomenon with variations on the theme: "Physics Bars" with wide-screen projection oscilloscopes, and photos of famous physicists all 'round the walls.

  3. Slide Shows as Art. Some reasons to explore slide shows as an artistic medium. A low-budget way to do animation: one frame every three seconds, like a giant, slow flip book. (You would need two projectors in order to change carrels smoothly.) With two projectors, one could project a background (i.e. clouds) and the other could project moving objects (such as a balloon becoming larger and larger as it comes "towards" us and then rises off the screen -- or holds still while the clouds move behind it).

    This could be combined with a live music soundtrack -- wouldn't have to be too complex to be a lot of fun.

  4. Fundamentalist Bumper Sticker: Jesus Loves the Hell Out of You

  5. Food Repairmen. Call the hotline and say, "I've ruined the meal!" and they come over with cheese and spices.

  6. Public Service Anecdotes. Every nth anecdote must be advice or else a moralistic little tale.

  7. Mass Media and the Collective Unconscious. A book or essay based on the following idea: take Carl Jung's theory of the collective unconscious (briefly, that there is a vast set of archetypal thought-forms located in the human "racial memory", which come out in dreams) and replace the collective unconscious with the Mass Media. In other words, take the structure of Jung's theory but imagine the Mass Media and its images replacing the collective unconscious and its archetypes.

    As always, one could write a formal theory describing this situation, or write fiction about characters for whom this situation is the case.

  8. Suicide as Public Service. A suicide hotline which doesn't try to talk you out of it, but will make suggestions about who you might take with you. "Well, the foreign minister of Malaysia has very close ties to several logging companies which, as we speak, are clear-cutting all of that country's rain forest ...."

  9. Documentaries that Suck. Make a little documentary photography adventure with a macro lens, some toy soldiers, and cardboard sets and painted modeling-compound gargoyles. "The last mission of troop fourteen" or something campy like that. Give the impression that you are trying to convince the observer that the toy soldiers are really life-size.

  10. Gemeinschaftkunst. Here's a scheme for harnessing everyone's doodling in a large administrative building or a college academic building. Pretend that the building is an ecosystem, such as a saltwater marsh. Do the research to identify the various components and places and seasonal rhythms, and then assign them to the various components and places and rhythms of the building. In other words, the building is a giant metaphor for the saltwater marsh. For instance (assuming a collegiate academic building): the freshmen drama students can be the "newts", and the back stairwell where they gather to smoke and chat between classes can be thought of as corresponding to the place in the marsh where the actual newts gather, and so forth. Various transport mechanisms can be identified in a real marsh, for silt or toxins or what have you, and then these can correspond to things in the building such as the flow of low-grade recyclable paper.

    Murals can be introduced into the hallways. Paper-mache sculptures of cat-tails can be strategically placed. Once this large system of make-believe is consistently introduced, hopefully the inhabitants of the building will begin to take part and think of themselves in the terms of the metaphor, and add to it and modify it.

    The ultimate goal of all this is to encourage the inhabitants to think more creatively, and to give them a system in which their creativity can find a contributory place. The amount of doodling done idly by any large group of people in an office building is significant, and it is a shame that it is all thrown away and that all the energies put into it are dissipated. Given a large, systematic metaphor like this, it is hoped that doodling and idle creativity, if based on the overall system, could contribute to the overall system.

    Exactly how is not clear and would certainly depend on the particular situation, but the simplest way would be to have a place to collect doodles, to do the equivalent of posting them on the refrigerator. Periodically when they have reached a critical mass they might suggest some new activity or action which can be carried out by the people (or a subset of the people) who have produced it.

    This situation might better be carried out by a cooperative house.

    Other metaphors include differing ecosystems, geopolitical organizational models (such as a Medieval Geopolitical model in which the housemates are the Heads of State and the groceries and objects are their lieges and fiefdoms -- this could apply more directly to a large building but couldn't be counted on to produce good internal morale! -- unless of course some completely unorthodox power axes are chosen), cellular biology models, free-body diagrams of aircraft in flight, etc.

  11. Stand-Up Tragedy. A one-act play called "Oedipus Wrecks" about a hit-and-run driver who finds out he had killed his parents.

  12. Company Policy. Placards on the desk which represent the positions within the company more accurately: Idiot Responsible for Failed Product Line. "Wow, you must have a lot of pull to still be with the company after that one -- I'm impressed."

  13. The Well Dressed Metaconscious. We're all familiar with the idea of the "subconscious mind" -- a part of the psyche which is not self-aware, but which influences activities and is subordinate to what is commonly thought of as the Self. What if the situation were reversed? What if the subconscious were the self-aware part and the conscious mind were not self-aware?

    Better yet, think of things in this way: reading of Greek ethics, of the works of the Pre-Socratics and the Stoics and the Cynics, reveals an ideal state of discipline in which the individual is independent and very self-contained. However, that was much easier in the 5th-century BC polis than it is today, when one's simplest acts as a consumer influence advertising decisions and marketing strategies ("vote with your pocketbooks"), one's appearance is symbolically interpreted in many subtle ways (cf "Dress for Success" books, not to mention the Designer Clothing phenomenon). The point is that we are in a large, fragmented society with many identifiable strata to which one clearly belongs and gives external evidence.

    Marketing and public policy are now made on a mass scale, not on an individual scale, and each of us belongs to many groups and subgroups via our purchasing decisions and (to a lesser extent) our interaction with media -- all of these actions are contributors to trends among the masses, and it is on the level of these trends that the real important decisions of society are made. So why not think of the set of our memberships in various societal strata, and our actions as seen from that perspective, as the Real Us, and our conscious individuality as just a subordinate portion of the Real Us? Why not think of our actions within our complex social system (seen from the statistical-distribution, crowd-scale perspective) as our Real Self, which is not self-aware, and our Conscious Mind (seen from the individual, human-scale perspective) as performing a function for it just like the subconscious mind plays in our ordinary conceptual scheme of things?

    In other words: participation in culture whose control mechanisms all operate at the level of large groups is to conscious, integral individuality as conscious mind is to subconscious mind.

  14. I Grew Up in a Room Like That. A room with lots of corners -- eight or ten -- for people to throw their things into. In the middle of the room, TV sets, desks and bureaus on which to pile things.

  15. Three Ways to Choose Which Team Gets to Start:

  16. Live Performances. The only existing model of a creative group dynamic in American Culture is that of the musical group, or Band. When you think about it, given the supposed lack of cultural sophistication of Americans, it is surprising how even the grungiest high-school heavy-metal fan can talk about the evolution of style within a Band as revealed through the succession of its released recordings, and talk about its influences and directions and even the personal changes in the lives of the members which affected their work.

    More Americans, then, since they have this surprisingly sophisticated understanding of a way to solve problems and work closely with others and mature in outlook, should put it into practice in other fields besides music. Americans should start forming Baking Bands, or Alternative Household Organization Bands, or Self-Sufficiency Bands, or Child-Raising Bands, or Literature-Consumption Bands, or Lifestyle Bands, or Religious Bands, or Art Bands, or Improvisational Theater Bands, or Oral History Bands, or Meditation Bands ... better yet, now that the point is made, it would be interesting for groups of people to get together without pinning themselves down to any particular task like the ones mentioned above (although particular emphases would be good things) and think of themselves as Bands which produce days, weeks or seasons that are lived in a particular way, rather than albums. The Ultimate Live Performance Bands.

  17. Teddy Bees, with little pieces of Velcro Pollen.

  18. Ravioli on tap.

  19. Coffee-bean Butter.

  20. Mmmidi. An instrument which you lick, like a lollipop, to produce sounds. A MIDI lollipop.

  21. Race-Hopping, the New Exercise Program. Subsidized by the Race-Walkers association, so that Race-Walkers are no longer the stupidest looking people on the sidewalks.

  22. Me Neither. A cycle of years like the Chinese twelve year cycle, but with only two years: Calcium phosphate and TBA.

  23. "I've always thought about a caber-toss board game. The idea would be to throw it as far as it could go!"

  24. Inflatable Ammonia Molecule Model. Four balloons, labeled N, H, H and H. Be the first on your block to own one!

  25. Swiss Army Toy.

  26. Useful, Niche-filling Greeting Cards New section titles, too!

  27. But would He be limited to the speed of light? Gravitons are hypothetical subatomic particles which carry force at a distance. How about deitons, subatomic particles which carry the influence of Providence?

  28. Non-Fundamentalist Bumper Sticker: Ankh if You Love Osiris

  29. Phone Words. Instead of phone numbers. You'd pick up the phone and say, for example, "Doobieoobledikdik." Sitcom about a person with "th" in their phone word, always getting calls from the vanity number "sexy." Alternatively, phone pictures. "Is Dan there?" "No, you must have the wrong picture." "Oh, aren't you the little guy with the suitcase and the dog?" "No, this is the little guy with the suitcase and the umbrella."

Credits

Ashram Staff
5-6, 11-12, 14-15, 17-22, 24-27, 29
Van Choojitarom
23
Jeanine Diller
4
Justin Fugle
8
Tom Price
1-3, 7, 9-10, 13, 16, 28

The Autodidact's Journal